


A Good Dog in a Dark Place

by imperfectcircle



Series: Stories by theme: Humour [14]
Category: Dogs Lost In A Maze That Is Also In Egypt (VitaminWater Ad)
Genre: Dogs, Gen, Mild Peril, Very Good Dogs, Yuletide 2018, absolutely no animal harm, but some implied previous harm to humans, excellent dogs, good dogs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-18
Updated: 2018-11-18
Packaged: 2019-08-25 12:31:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16661211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imperfectcircle/pseuds/imperfectcircle
Summary: We are playing with the bones! Grr-wag-wag-wag! Grr-wag-wag-wag! We are fighting each other but secretly it is playing because we are good dogs.





	A Good Dog in a Dark Place

**Author's Note:**

  * For [afterism](https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterism/gifts).



> For afterism. Thank you for asking the question that truly lies at the heart of this fandom: "Are they good dogs, or very good dogs?"
> 
> If you haven't seen canon for this, it is a [30 second ad](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvMWTQc4IxU) that does exactly what it says on the tin.
> 
> Post reveal thanks to my audiencers, soupytwist and thingswithwings, and my beta, longwhitecoats. Special thanks to thingswithwings -- not only did your feedback vastly improve this story, but I will always treasure the moment when I realised one of the best and most thoughtful writers I know had just sent me several paragraphs of detailed plot and character arc questions about my dog POV fic.
> 
> And I cannot recommend the podfic of this (by sylvaine) highly enough -- if you are in any way shape or form a podfic person, my advice is to go listen to that rather than reading it here.

Today is a good day! I am a good dog! I am a good dog and it is a good day and I will sniff all the sniffs because they are sniffs and I like sniffs!

I am in a place! It is dark! I am a good dog in a dark place! 

Pee! 

The pee smells of good dog. Friend dog? I have licked the friend pee. It is good.

Now I am sniffing a sniff made of bones. It smells of old.

My human is called VickyOrVickIDon'tMind but I call her SmellsTall because she is a short human but she smells like if a hug was the biggest hug in the world. She calls me NicoleSweetieDarlingPudding or PumpkinPotatoPie or Who'sTheBestBaby and sometimes she kisses my ears and it is better than hugs. My human is better than friend pee AND the old bones that sit in a pile not doing anything because my human does things like say WaitHereDarlingI'llBeJustAMinute which means I can go on adventures as long as I am back before she is. 

Butt! Butt butt butt! There is another dog and she has a butt. I love her. Her butt smells of all the things.

We are friends! I have smelled her butt and she has smelled my butt and now we will play! 

New friend is smaller than me but she has a bigger tail it is all floof my tail is not floof it is small and stubby and my human says it is perfect because it is as small as my heart is big.

We are playing with the bones! Grr-wag-wag-wag! Grr-wag-wag-wag! We are fighting each other but secretly it is playing because we are good dogs.

A noise!

There was a noise! I heard the noise! There was a noise and I was loud and I barked because I am a good brave girl. I did not wag my tail even a little. No. 

The noise made the pile of bones move, but not like when there is a pile of soft things at home that smell of clean and I jump on it and it stops being a pile and starts being a floor and then my human says SweetieDarlingPotatoOhNoWhatAMess and I lick her hand and she sits on the floor with me and the soft clean things and she says IGuessTheyLiveThereNow which means I have to make the soft things back in a pile myself and then I do and then she laughs and says ILoveYou which means she loves me. 

The bones are moving. They were there in a pile for playing and now they are all standing up like a human but not for hugs. It is big and not like clean soft things at all.

I will bark some more. 

Bark bark bark! 

I barked. 

New friend is not barking. She wants to play with the bone pile even though it is not a pile anymore it is a tall thing. She is wagging her tail floof floof floof and it is hitting me in the face and I do not mind because we cannot all have small perfect tails that are as small as our hearts are big. 

I am licking the floor. 

The tall not-pile of bones like a human but not for hugs is saying WelcomeToTheTerrorMaze which I do not know what it means. I know WelcomeToTheJungleWe'veGotFunAndGames which means my human is singing and I sing too and we are sing together, but I do not know WelcomeToTheTerrorMaze and the bones is not singing at all. 

I try singing anyway. Maybe the bones will like to sing? 

The bones does not like to sing. 

The bones says BeyondThisDoorYouWillFindThreeTasksEachMore--

Door! There is a door! New friend and I run through the door. The bones does not run through the door. The bones does not like to run AND does not like to sing. The bones is strange.

I am licking the floor. 

There is a wire. Hello wire! It nearly hurt my nose but it was right there and I am a good dog so I wriggled under it wriggle wriggle wriggle and now I smell of floor. New friend dog wriggled too. I licked her ear. 

We are wrestling! Grr-wag-wag-wag! We are friends! 

I hope my human is having a good day doing human things. She likes to lick things too sometimes, but she cannot wrestle because it makes her hurt and then she is sad and we sit on the floor together and she kisses my ears and says SorryDarlingIWishICould which means I am a good girl and she loves me. 

I do not mind. I can wrestle with dog friends any time, but only my human who is called SmellsTall can scratch just right behind my ears and say YouAreSuchAGoodDogNicoleILoveYou which means I have good ears.

We are doing a wrestle under a rock! Wrestle wrestle grr-wag-wag-wag wrestle grr! It is fun! 

Bad smell! Bad smell! While we were under the rock there was a bad smell that came over the rock. It smells a bit like when my human puts on singing music and says RightLet’sCleanThisMotherfucker and we sing together while she makes all the good smells in the bathroom go away. It smells like that but also burny. It makes us sneeze! I don’t like it. 

I licked my butt! 

Why is butts?

Butts are good. 

New friend dog’s butt smells of everything. 

Hello new friend bug! I like bugs! They are funny AND they are crunchy! Hello other friend bug! Hello other other friend bug! Hello other other other friend bug!

We have so many new bug friends! They are so silly! I want to play with them! Grr-wag-wag-wag-crunchI love them all! Grr-crunch-wag-crunch-crunch! 

Now there are too many friends to play nicely. Good new dog friend climbed up on a high rock and now I have too and we are licking the rock. The bug friends are playing on the floor. They are not playing nicely. They are bad bug friends. But they are good crunch. 

Butts. 

We are on a high rock and the bug friends have done their playing. Now they are doing a going away all at once in a big hole. New dog friend doesn't want to sniff the hole, so I am not sniffing the hole either. That is friendship. I will protect friend from hole by barking. I am a good dog. Good dog, Nicole!

I am tired. We licked bones and wriggled under wires and there was a bad burny smell and too many bug friends and now I want a nap. 

Hi! Hi! I had a nap and it was the best and now I want to do a million things and my new friend is still asleep but now she is awake because I licked her ear and now she is licking my butt it is great! Naps are great! Friends are great! 

We climb down from the high place. 

Me and my human have a high place in our home and neither of us go on it because it is too high but we keep a box up there and sometimes my human will take the box down and look in it and say NicoleSweetheartINeedAHug which means she wants to hug me and so we hug and it is good. I do not know if I like the box. The box means hugs and hugs are good, but sometimes she smells of sad after the box and I would bite all the things to stop my human being sad, even if they were things I did not want to bite. 

The hole has gone. The bugs have gone. There is a bone on the floor. I lick it. My friend licks it. It is a good day. 

We go where there are more sniffs to sniff. I bring the bone, because I am a good dog and I Plan Ahead. 

Is there--??

There is--??

NEW DOG FRIEND!!!!!!

We have a new new dog friend! He sniffs my butt and friend dog's butt and I sniff his butt and friend dog sniffs his butt and friend dog and I sniff each other's butts and I lick his ear because now I have a friend dog AND a new new friend dog and this is even better than the friend bugs because bugs do not have butts. 

New new friend dog has been sleeping here for days. He has made the whole room smell of him. It is a good smell. I make the room smell of me, too. So does friend dog. Then I lick the floor. It tastes of smells. 

New new friend dog has a round twisty tail but it is not very floof. I like him. I hope he will be my friend forever. 

New new friend dog does not like the big round rock in the wall. He barks at it, bark bark whine, because it is not a friend and he must keep us safe. 

We stand with him. We all bark at the big round rock. It is a bad rock, even though it smells of bones, because new new friend dog does not like it. 

Lots of things here in the place smell of bones. I think some of the bones are very old. When something is very old my human calls it OldAsBalls. I think some of these bones are very OldAsBalls and others are only a bit OldAsBalls and some are not OldAsBalls at all. 

New new friend dog is so happy we are all barking he does a jump. It is a good jump. I can do a jump! Friend dog can do a jump! She can jump the highest. We jump and we bark and we jump and we bark and we jump and we bark and now I need a nap. 

Friend dog and new new friend dog are asleep when I wake up, so I am very quiet when I jump and I bark at the bad rock and I almost do not wake them up. I am a good dog. 

Friend dog does the best jumps. She jumps so high she is higher than the bad rock in the wall. She likes to jump. She jumps again and she hits a rock that is in the wall but above the bad rock and it makes a noise and we bark until it stops and then we bark some more in case it starts again. 

There is a new hole! Holes are so good! We wriggle through the hole. It is a big hole, we could walk, but we like to wriggle. I smell of floor. New new friend dog licks me. 

The big round rock is coming to play with us. But it is too big and it will not play nicely and new new friend dog does not like it. 

It is so big! 

Friend dog climbs up higher than the big round rock. But I cannot climb that high. 

New new friend dog digs a hole to hide in. But I cannot dig that fast. 

So I stand and I bark. Bad rock! Grrrrrr woof woof! 

Grrr! 

Woof! Woof! 

_CRASH!_

I am in a hole. Friend dog is on top of me and new new friend dog is underneath me and the bad rock has gone away. It was not nice.

New new friend dog is a very fast digger. He did not just dig a hole for him, he dug a hole for us. Friend dog is a very good jumper. She jumped me all the way into the hole. 

Wag wag wag goes friend dog's floofy tail and new new friend dog's round twisty tail and my tiny perfect good tail. We are so happy to be in the hole. It smells of friends. 

We have a nap. 

I wake up when new new friend dog makes a big noise and a big smell from his butt. It is great. Friend dog and I sniff his butt. He smells of good dog. 

At the end of the tunnel there is a new smell. It smells of outside. I like outside. We lick the smell. Friend dog drools.

YouHaveMadeItToTheFinalChallenge says a human friend voice. I cannot see a human. I cannot smell a human. Maybe this is like when my human makes the metal box sing for us? Or when she makes the other metal box tell her TakeASlowDeepInhaleAndACompleteExhale and she sits very still and I sit next to her and I am very still with my head on her lap and when the metal box stops talking she says ThankYouPumpkinICouldn'tHaveDoneItWithoutYou which means being still is better when we are together. 

I sit still in case that is what the voice wants. 

IfYouLeaveEmptyHandedYouMayAllLive says the human friend voice. I do not know what that means. 

New new friend dog barks. He is not sitting still. 

ButIfYouWantToTakeTheGoldWithYouOneOfYouMustDie says the human friend voice. I do not know what that means, either. None of these are things my human says. I am very confused. I lick my butt. 

Friend dog AND new new friend dog are not sitting still. Only I am sitting still. Maybe I am the best dog? 

No. We are all the best dog. There are many ways to be the best dog. My human says ILoveYouYouAreGood when I am still AND when I am doing things AND when I have been chewing feet-shoes even though I know that feet-shoes are not for chewing, because she knows that I am just trying my best. My friends are trying their best too. They are good. They are good at jumping and good at digging and good at smells and good at trying. We are all good dogs. 

And then the room is big and bright and everything smells of metal and the floor is shiny and the human friend voice is saying more things but I do not understand so I lick my friends' ears and new new friend dog licks my eye and all our tails go wag wag wag because we are friends. 

The shiny floor does not have any food or toys and metal is not nice to chew, so I chew on the bone I brought with me because I Plan Ahead and friend dog chews on a little bit of bone the bad round rock left for her and new new friend dog licks the wall. 

Then there is a hole in the wall and through the hole there is outside! We leave the voice and the metal but I do not leave my bone and we go to the outside, where there is a big poo we all roll in together because we are friends. 

YouHaveShownOutstandingWisdomCourageAndForti-- the voice says, but we are not listening, because friend dog has found a stick. 

Stick! 

And then there is my human she is saying HolyFuckHowMuchShitDidYouRollIn which means she is happy to see me. There are other humans with her and they are saying things to my new friends and everyone is happy and all our tails are wagging and it is good. 

I lick her face and she hugs me and she is saying ILoveYouNicoleGoodDog and WhatTheHellHaveYouGotThere and I give her my bone because I love her best and she says YouAreAbsolutelyCoveredInPoo which means she loves me best too. She is a good human. I am a good dog.

**Author's Note:**

> If you like, you can come say hi on twitter - I'm [@krfabian](https://twitter.com/krfabian/), where I tweet about all manner of nerd stuff (and my original fiction).

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] A Good Dog in a Dark Place](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17259614) by [thriceandonce (sylvaine)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sylvaine/pseuds/thriceandonce)




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